Duct Tape Parenting

About a week ago, Levi and I realized our strategies for helping the kids get along with each other were not very effective. So I went to the internet, the source of all light and knowledge (j/k, sort of), and found a book with lots of rave reviews called, "Duct Tape Parenting" by Vicki Hoefle. The first chapter is available to download for free, and then we bought the Kindle version. We're not yet halfway through the book, but are already implementing some of the strategies therein, and seeing success. The premise is that parents tend to parent on autopilot and use ineffective strategies that often end up reinforcing the very behaviors the parents are trying to extinguish. By changing our strategy to one that completely ignores the problem behaviors (using theoretical duct tape to prevent parental interference), and instead focuses on positive behavior, relationships, and respect, we find things shifting such that the problem behaviors extinguish themselves. So, no nagging, no time-outs, no counting, no taking away privileges, no bribes. But lots of natural consequences, lots of handing responsibility to the kids, lots of praise and love, mentoring, respect, and proactive problem solving. How exciting, right?! It's kinda like, "How Would Jesus Parent?"

This morning at the breakfast table Glenn told Samantha (with great satisfaction) that when they have turkey sandwiches in their lunchboxes, he throws his sandwich in the garbage. Then he changed his story and said that he eats everything else first and saves his sandwich until last. Samantha spent the next 15 minutes lecturing him, repeating to me what Glenn had said, and pleading with me to tell him, to eat his sandwich first because it will go bad. He just smiled the whole time (he knows how to push Sammy's buttons) and kept insisting that, nope, he leaves his sandwich until last. Guess what I said during all of this!? NOTHING! Except I did tell Glenn that I know he doesn't really like turkey sandwiches, and that if he wants a PBJ tomorrow instead, he could make his own. "All by myself?" he asked. "Yep," I said. "Can I do that every day?" he asked. "Sure," I said. "Okay, then that's what I'm gonna do," he said. And he had the best happiest look on his face. He was so happy to have been handed some power over his sandwich. 

Historically, the kids each eat a half sandwich in their lunches, so I make the sandwich, cut it in half, and put half in each kid's lunchbox. For simplicity's sake, I have them trade off weeks choosing what kind of sandwich to have, so that I only have to make one type of sandwich each morning. When it's Samantha's week to choose, she chooses turkey, and Glenn will choose PBJ on his week. But I realized that both kids are perfectly capable of making their own sandwiches, and if they make it themselves, then they can make whatever kind they prefer.

Samantha asked if she could arrange her own lunch, and I realized how sad it is that she had to ask. I usually pack their entire lunches for them. So they both arranged their own lunches, helped each other, grabbing two of each thing. And they remembered without a reminder to pack lunches in backpacks when it was time to leave. I then checked the weather and it was 30 degrees. Usually I tell them what gear to put on, and they have no choice in the matter (because I'm worried that otherwise they'll be underdressed and freeze at recess). But today I told them it was thirty degrees out, which is below freezing, and I was going to wear a coat, and gloves and a hat. "Okay," said Samantha, "You know I'm going to wear a coat and gloves, but no hat." (She doesn't like her hair to be messed up, and always protests when I tell her to put on a hat.) I asked Glenn if he wanted his hat. He said, "Oh...yeah, thanks." And same for his gloves. I suggested that Samantha could save up to buy some earmuffs if she wanted, and that would keep her ears warm without messing up her hair. She liked that idea. 

I don't know if it was the duct tape or just a fluke, but the morning went so smoothly, and everybody was so happy. It's not what we would typically expect for the first day back to school after Christmas Break! I only told Glenn ONCE to put on shoes and socks, and for some reason he was doing it. Usually I tell him 4-5 times, with increasing volume and frustration each time! I also gave him the option of whether we should comb his hair, rather than my typical ordering him to go upstairs to have his hair combed. First he decided he didn't care, then a minute later he decided we should comb the sides, and on seeing his reflection in the mirror he decided he wanted his mohawk combed down too, and requested my help. I also rearranged the kitchen cupboard slightly so that the apple tupperware containers are lower, so the kids can package their own apple slices from now on. (I'll still cut them up for a few more years, as I don't think the kids are ready for the paring knife.) And we rearranged the freezer so that they can more easily reach their own ice packs for their lunchboxes.

Really exciting pictures of our cupboard and freezer:

So, now, I've got "discuss perishability of food" on my list of things to address at another time...because it actually would be bad if Glenn ever ate warm mayo and got sick. But we'll wait until later to discuss it, because it's much better to teach in a moment that isn't emotionally charged. Then nobody feels like they're being targeted or singled out for doing something wrong, and we also avoid reinforcing the kid who was tattling. Thanks, book, for a smooth, peaceful morning!